


codependence

by reminiscence



Category: Digimon - All Media Types, Digimon Universe: Appli Monsters
Genre: Codependence, Freeverse, Gen, No parents, Poetry, ffn challenge: becoming the tamer king challenge, ffn challenge: digimon dawn/dusk remake challenge, ffn challenge: diversity writing challenge, poetry collection, word count: 1001-1500 words
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-01
Updated: 2017-09-26
Packaged: 2018-12-22 08:48:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 1,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11963913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reminiscence/pseuds/reminiscence
Summary: Maybe their relationship wasn't healthy, but it was what it was and ultimately it worked. And it couldn't get much better when two kids are left to live with their own devices.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the
> 
> Digimon Dawn/Dusk Remake Challenge, Sunken Tunnel task  
> Becoming the Tamer King Challenge, Data Forest task  
> Diversity Writing Challenge, c3 – poetry collection centred around a central theme

You call yourself the devil's  
advocate, but in truth  
you dragged yourself  
into the light  
and let me hide

And I let myself hide  
in the shadows.

I'd be ungrateful otherwise  
even though I could:  
the flower that can grow fine  
with the weeds, even though  
they've got a beautiful, clean  
bed of soil.

I could be a prickly bush  
but I'll be the pretty rose.


	2. Chapter 2

You push yourself.  
You tell me not to  
so I don’t.

Everybody else thinks I should try harder.  
You tell me not to worry,  
that you’ll take care of it all

So I don’t  
because who should I believe  
if not for you?


	3. Chapter 3

They call it codependence.

We’re children.  
We’re allowed to be codependent.

It’s not codependence.  
Big brother doesn’t need me.  
I only need him  
otherwise I have to try,  
try hard like he tries,  
give up things like  
he does  
for me.

We’re children.  
We’re allowed to be codependent  
but there should be adults  
to depend on.  
We don’t have those.  
I depend on him.

Big brother,  
who do you depend on?


	4. Chapter 4

You’re not perfect.  
You know you’re not perfect  
but you try anyway.

That’s human, isn’t it?  
That’s adulthood.  
What about those like me  
who don’t need to try?

I’m still a child  
and by right of age  
you’re a child as well.  
But your name’s on the paperwork.  
Your name’s on the bank accounts

And I won’t ask how you fill them.  
I know.

I tell the social worker I don’t anyway.  
I’m a good child. I listen.

Adults don’t really listen, do they.  
But you try. You listen  
a lot of the time,  
most of the time.

Sometimes you don’t.


	5. Chapter 5

Every relationship has two people.  
The unhealthy ones have a giver  
and a taker.

You give.  
I take.

I offer.  
You turn me away.

You say it’s my age.  
It’s unhealthy anyway,  
isn’t it?  
But I allow it still.  
I don’t push.

Maybe… I should have pushed  
you instead.


	6. Chapter 6

People pity us.  
We don’t care.  
You don’t care.  
I don’t care.

People pity us.  
They don’t understand.  
And they really don’t need  
to understand.

We understand.  
That’s good enough for us.  
Until we learn we really  
don’t  
understand.

Then we’ll learn.

Pity won’t teach.  
It only scorns.

But still, we can’t do it alone.


	7. Chapter 7

I wonder if I’m overshadowing you now  
big brother.

You didn’t see it then.  
You see it too keenly now.  
You’ve got your one screen  
for my two, and you busy yourself  
with other things, instead.

That works out fine, since Bootmon  
is mine and I know him best  
but don’t think you’re not helping me;  
you are

And it’s not just being by my side.  
There are concrete things as well.


	8. Chapter 8

You learned how to cook, eventually.  
Maybe, when I’m taller, I’ll get it too.

Maybe I won’t ever need to get it  
because I have you.

Not that eggs and yoghurt every day  
are good for you.

You’ve become a pro with eggs.  
You’ve become a pro with those juices  
of yours too.  
They don’t have all the nutrients though  
and you know that  
and I know that  
and the pharmacy down the street  
knows it too.

But the lack of variety doesn’t hurt.  
There are ways around everything  
and this is ours.


	9. Chapter 9

I wonder if things would have been different  
if our parents had still been around.

For you, I’m sure they would have been.  
You wouldn’t have had to be my father  
and mother both, and elder brother too.  
But for me… You did everything for me.  
You earned the money, kept the house,  
woke me in the mornings and sent me off  
to school with burnt eggs

And the kids would laugh, but I didn’t care  
because my lunch was made by my brother’s love  
and it was better than the cafeteria food  
I’d sometimes by, when the eggs  
were deemed unsalvageable at all  
by you… but you are your own  
worst critic.

Things would have been very different  
for you. Mum might have taught you  
to cook, and more than eggs.  
She might have turned you into  
a gourmet chef. Hey, could Mum  
even cook?

Maybe if Mum or Dad could cook…  
Or maybe you’d have gone to school  
and made friends  
and been gone in the afternoons

Or maybe not.  
You have friends now, but still most of the time  
you spend here, with me.


	10. Chapter 10

I wonder what it would have been like  
if you had solved the puzzle first  
after all.

You’re not like me.  
You’re stronger.  
You’re more focused.  
Sometimes… I’d even say  
you’re colder.

Would you have agreed?  
Would you have managed it?  
Creating a life?

Would you have managed it:  
my impossible escape?

Would you have let him escape?

And would I have been  
tenacious  
enough to find you  
if you had?


	11. Chapter 11

It’s lonely, in this place.  
It’s too white. Too plain.  
There’s nothing to do  
but wait.

You’re not here.  
I wish you were.  
I wish I’d kept a hold  
of your hand  
instead of rushing  
on ahead.

I was too excited  
to know I’d beaten you

And yet, I’d still had  
to rely on you  
to take me there.

It was the prize counter, I thought.  
It was the trap door, I fought.

It doesn’t matter now.  
I called for you and you didn’t come.  
I doubt you’re mad.  
You’re never mad  
at me.  
It must be that  
you can’t hear me  
instead.


	12. Chapter 12

It’s dark.  
It’s quiet.  
I can’t move.

Brother, where are you?

It smells sterile. Odd.  
It tastes dry.

Brother, where are you?

It’s dark.  
It’s quiet.  
It smells… like nothing, now.

Brother, where are you?

It’s dark.  
It’s quiet.  
It smells… like eggs, a little  
but it’s too soft.

Brother, are you nearby?

It’s dark.  
It’s quiet.  
I can smell burnt eggs.

Brother, you are here  
after all.


	13. Chapter 13

You can’t cook at all, brother.  
Sadly, neither can I.  
We make a right pair  
by the stoves.

But takeout meals aren’t great.  
We eat them too much.  
You’re sick of them already.  
Sick of how they taste  
so different every day.

I don’t mind the variety  
but still, they don’t taste  
all that great.

I’d much rather eat love-filled burnt eggs  
with you.


	14. Chapter 14

I wonder if, between us, we can write a programme  
to handle all the chores of living  
without an adult.

We manage the cooking fine, now.  
Neither of us cares to clean, though.  
Neither of us cares to go out either  
and work, or shop  
and you don’t even care  
about your clothes.

Honestly, if you hadn’t dressed me so insistently,  
I wouldn’t care either, anymore.

But there’s a lot of things in our life,  
if they were taken care of,  
we could do without.


	15. Chapter 15

You make some good friends  
when I’m not there.

I wonder  
was I was the one keeping you  
from them? I had friends  
but you were always home,  
always working:  
for money, or the house  
or learning how to cook  
that you never did.

Did I take up all your time?  
You had to work for two  
while I went on with my life.

I could have helped you.

Though…  
would you have even let?


	16. Chapter 16

I’m not weak.  
I know you’re  
not weak either

But I didn’t push.  
I could have pushed.  
We could have taken  
the load together,  
and halved your burden.

Back then  
I didn’t really have  
a burden.

Just that you were so   
swallowed  
by that responsibility

That sometimes  
you missed the me  
who wanted you  
as you were.


	17. Chapter 17

Did somewhere along the line  
I change from your brother  
into your son?

I guess I can’t blame you,  
and you can’t blame me  
for acting the role  
of the son

And even when I wanted you  
to lift your eyes from your computer  
or the stove, or the polished surfaces  
and just see me,  
as more  
than just your charge

Was I asking  
for my brother  
or my guardian?


	18. Chapter 18

Isn’t there a healthy thing  
called sibling rivalry?

But we’re really not  
even when we could,  
even when we should.

I beat you more than once.  
You don’t care.  
Sometimes… I wish  
I didn’t care  
too.


	19. Chapter 19

Our family of two  
was too small  
in the end.

I had friends  
but in the end, it was  
your friends  
that became   
family.

And I like your friends.  
They’re so different,  
so lively  
and you smile with them.

Before, you’d only smile  
with me

And I wonder  
if that smile was also  
for me.

It’s different now.  
We smile together, yes,  
but we smile for ourselves  
as well as  
each other.


End file.
